Real love requires a radical change of conditioning and a giant dose of courage.
The outside bar attracts the pretty, the rich, the kind and the hard-hearted.
With such an eclectic mix, you’d think there would be more love connections. But, having personally observed it for months, I have my doubts.
The Long Island Sound glistens in the background, mega-mansions with deep green lawns light the coastline across the harbor, and exquisite yachts, having recently arrived from warmer climates, are tied neatly to the dock while their posh owners eat at the 5-star restaurant inside.
People drink Prosecco and high-end cocktails around the bar, talking, smiling, nodding. Summertime and sunshine beckon people from miles around, dressed in their best to socialize with friend and foe alike.
But here, something is off.
Despite the toned bodies, personal fortunes, perfume, and deep romantic longing, there lies an inconsistency that obliterates most chances for a love connection.
Turns out, finding true love is not a seduction game. It may be the complete opposite.
The players tonight at the outside bar, many of whom are veterans of the singles and dating scene, are either indifferent, unaware or afraid of attracting romance any other way than by parading their "assets". Good looks, financial success — this is how they learned self-value.
So they masquerade as such, many hoping to seduce another into sharing a bed for a night or longer.
But finding true love is unlikely. Real love demands authenticity, vulnerability and time.
Many here are unclear about what they want from a partner or if they really want one at all. They long for recognition, and this becomes a goal — pursuit for the sake of pursuit.
Observe the singles cliques. They’re suspiciously tight. Three pretty women chat and take selfies. Four men describe deals that fell apart that week or a golf game gone great.
Behind false smiles, they say, "Flirt with my friend all you want — take her number even — but don’t dare think we’ll let you into our circle. We need her to play her role for us. Her happiness is a lesser goal."
Combining superficiality with hyper-sexuality and a heady dose of alcohol leads to a fantasy attraction — one that typically doesn’t translate into love in the daylight.
The band, the Eagles, said it well: "Somebody’s going to hurt someone, before the night is through. Somebody’s going to come undone, there’s nothing we can do."
I believe there are things we can do to improve our chances of making a meaningful connection on the singles scene. Yet it requires a radical change of conditioning and a giant dose of courage. Real intimacy is not for the faint of heart.
Here are 5 powerful ways to begin attracting a happy, healthy and enduring relationship to your life:
1. Shift your story and patterns around love.
What seems to always happen in your attempts to create a romantic bond? What is the story you tell yourself or others? Try to unearth your subconscious stories and reckon with them.
It is vitally important that to realize you are a victim only of your own false beliefs about yourself and others.
Examples: "Men I date all turn out to be narcissists." "Women are only after my money." "Nice guys are boring." "Men don’t want strong women."
Remember that the law of attraction will keep showing what you already believe. That means you are the one who is responsible for the outcome of your relationships. Be positive and loving and watch life mirror that love back at you.
2. Set your intentions to attract real love, not just the illusion of love.
Now that you are conscious of thoughts, stories and patterns that don’t serve you, become determined to see the possibility of a healthy, safe and loving romance.
Now, reinforce the notion that you will do whatever it takes to accomplish this goal of sharing your life with your equal out of a newly-found respect for yourself. Think or write about why you want a committed partner, what you want to feel and share with another.
Visualize it, hear it and feel it.
3. Prepare for love.
You’ve set the intention. Now comes the internal — and external — housecleaning.
You’re thinking now about the type of person you’d like to attract into your life. For example, I would like someone mature, emotionally healthy, fit, financially secure, attractive, funny, sensual and adventurous.
Who do you need to become to attract and maintain the commitment you want? The answer… you need to live your life as your highest and best self.
For example, are you carrying old resentments toward past lovers, friends or parents? These feelings will wreak havoc on your relationships until you resolve them. Now is the time to identify and heal old wounds.
Are you fit and healthy? Start to take care of your body. If you drink too much, overeat, avoid exercise, set goals to make changes.
Is your home a bachelor pad, or is it warm and inviting? Start living "as if" your beloved will show up in your life soon. Throw out the reminders of past relationships and begin to reflect the sophistication of the "new you."
4. Live for self-love.
Self-love is respecting your needs and vulnerabilities. This means learning to value parts of yourself that you or others might feel are weaknesses. Your life will improve exponentially when you take full responsibility for it. This means, in many cases, making radical changes.
Stay alert for what voice you listen to inside. Is it the childish, fearful side of your personality? Or the wise adult?
Trust yourself to handle life as it comes. No drama. You are not a victim. You know exactly what to do but have frequently chosen from a weaker version of your personality.
Now you are developing full-time self-respect. You consider your needs, and set clear boundaries. This increases self-respect and, in turn, gains respect from others.
5. Partner with life.
This sounds simple: be happy. But this requires an understanding not everyone has developed.
Life is aligned to deliver to you your deepest desires. We all have a guidance system inside us that, like the navigation system in our car, directs us to become who we next want to be. Practice relying on your intuition.
Life mirrors back who you are inside. Act irresponsibly, things go wrong. Give love, and you get love. Clean life. Clean love.
Practice trusting life. Partner with it. Give and expect higher love.
After a few hours, the night air gets cool and many at the outside bar move to the inside bar for music and a final drink. Others pack it in. They’ll sleep off the alcohol, enjoy their day and prepare for the next night’s high-style singles bar scene.
In the background, the song plays: "This night is going to last forever, last all, last all summer long. Some time before the sun comes up, the radio is going to play that song…"
Now it has become their habit — the nightlife, the longing, the laughing, the letdowns.
But rarely, I observe, do they find true love.